A Few Realizations

So lately a lot of my close friends have been coming to me asking for my advice on their relationships. Silly right? I am not even in a relationship so how the heck is it my place to give that kind of advice? Ha. I do not know. These guys seem to trust me, so I mean, I must be doing something right.

Well after thinking about this time and time again in the different conversations I was having with my friends, there was a lot of overlap even between the different kinds of relationships. The most overlap I found was so interesting to me I just thought I would share with you! So here are the things that I learned in the past couple weeks.

Signs are hidden in plain sight.

If you are in a relationship, chances are you are not going to see everything holistically. You will probably only see the bits and pieces you want to see. So it makes sense that you will miss the signs that are literally staring you dead in the face. You might be overthinking every detail or reanalyzing what you said or did, but that only will cloud your judgment on what is really going on. Overthinking things will make it so much easier to miss the signs. You might be too close to that relationship to think holistically about what the other person wants and needs and ultimately that is what a relationship should be about. What the individuals need right? They could literally be telling word for word what they mean and you might misinterpret it into something you want to hear. For example if someone blows you off time after time, take the hint. They are probably too busy or do not want to hang with you. Maybe they just are not ready to be with someone else and so they will tell you they do not know what they want. Most of the time when someone tells you they do not know what they want, they are basically telling you in a subtle way YOU are not what they want. If they wanted you, they would tell you that they wanted you. The signs are obvious, so just look for them in plain sight because they are there.

Reassurance has become the new idea of love and care.

This topic really gets me fired up because we have changed as a society who loves completely different than how the generations before us did. This whole idea that we need reassurance from our S/O to give us confidence, love, and comfort really bothers me. We have become so “reassurance driven” in our love lives that we honestly do not know how to truly love anymore. We are so wrapped up in the idea that our S/O has to tell us that we are looking good to feel beautiful or handsome about ourselves. They have to tell us that we are smart to feel intelligent. They have to literally tell us that we are strong, powerful, independent, etc. to even feel all those things. Like NO DAMNIT. We ARE all of those things. We already are who we are for a reason and no one can tell us differently. Just because someone tells us, we are something does not mean we are that. No one can define us. We define ourselves. We have used reassurance so much these days that we have mistaken this for care and comfort. Our S/O should not have to tell us those things for us to be sure about ourselves and to give us definition. But we do it, we look for that reassurance to make sure that they care about us, to make sure that they really truly love us. That is not where we should be looking for love. We should look for love in the way we act towards one another. Which leads me into my next topic.

Actions speak louder than words

I do not know how many times I have told my friends this and they do not understand it. They keep looking to the things that a person says rather than how they act. “But they said this… they said that.” NO. Actions speak louder than words. Actions speak LOUDER THAN WORDS. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I cannot emphasize that enough. Someone can say something and genuinely mean it when they are saying it, but if their actions do not follow suit… then what does that really mean? Nothing. Their words are now meaningless to you. They can say all the things in the world but when someone does not physically act the same way as their words, what they have just said becomes demeaning. It also makes things confusing for the person whose being told all of these things because they are telling you one thing but then showing you another. It is so contradicting and baffling. But people’s actions are straight forward. If someone loves you they will physically show it along with saying it. They will not just say it. If someone neglects to act their words out, that should be a good indication that their words are just w.o.r.d.s.

People want more out of our hook-up society.

This new age love crap, is well… crap. I hate it. Where is the modesty? The respect? The passion? The chivalry? Where is the real romance? All of these “things” seem to have vanished. They are gone. It is so hard to even date anymore due to this new hook-up era. All anyone looks for nowadays is a one night stand or someone to be f***buddies with because they do not want the commitment. Tinder and Bubble have fed the shark with that too. You will see on many user’s Tinder pages “Just looking for casual hook up” “Not looking for anything serious” “Just want to have fun.” UGHH! It drives me insane. Seems that modern relationships stem from sex rather than pure attraction. There are hardly any honest-to-God real dates anymore. It seems that relationships mostly begin with sex these days. And if there are people out there looking for real relationships –I see  you. You are the golden ones.

I was talking to my grandfather about this the other day and he asked something along the lines of dating, like what we do for dates these days. I took one look at him and I was baffled at the fact I did not have an answer for him. All I rendered off to him was that “I cannot remember the last time that someone had even asked me on a date and even worse, I cannot even remember the last time that I was taken on a date.” It has been a “Come over and watch movies with me” or a “We can just Netflix and chill” kind of ordeal. It is never “I want to take you out to dinner and a movie” anymore.

Now that was sad. Maybe it was just me, maybe the guys steer directly away from me, I don’t know. But what I do know is this: our society has settled with this idea and is okay with only hooking up and not making anything of it. Even love in general is tough to find now. It has changed so dramatically to the point that even dating has become difficult. I also believe that the more that this changes, the more we realize it. We envy the days where our grandparents were asked out on dates and it was mind-blowing to even get a kiss on the first date. To be honest, I think our generation longs for that kind of romance, but we cannot fix it or even if we could it would take great effort. We have become this “hook-up then relationship” or “only hook-up” society and now it has become hard to dig us out of that hole. And now that we see what we are missing out on, we genuinely miss the real romance we hear about in old fashioned films.

SO let’s bring back old fashioned love:)

Now to my last point…

We engulf our lives into the person we love so much that we lose ourselves.

This happens in all kinds of relationships, even the healthiest of relationships. This topic is very interesting to me because of the fact that people do not understand that it takes two completely independent people to come together for a healthy relationship but still be able to be complete individuals. Now that kind of sounds confusing, so I like to think of a healthy relationship as a Venn Diagram. You have your two separate selves in which you have things that you do not share together which are the two circles. Those circles contain attributes about yourself that you should never lose. Then when you are together you have some overlap and those are the things that you do share together. That is how I think a relationship should be, but it is not always this way. Some of us lose sight of ourselves because we are revolving our world around our S/O and their circles mesh together to make one whole circle. In those cases, they deteriorate their own lives because they are so caught up in making the other person happy. And more often than not, they will not even realize they’ve meshed their circles together.

What really matters though, is that you take care of yourself first because if you are not happy or fulfilling your needs and desires, then how can you make someone else happy? Answer: You cannot. You must see your relationship as two individuals who do their own things to make themselves happy, but can also come together to make each other happy. It is all about balance.

If that does not make sense to you, think about it this way. Your S/O should be your best friend. You do not hang with your best friend all day, every day and you definitely do not revolve your entire life around taking care of them and making them happy, no. You spend your separate life making yourself happy so that when you two are together you have things to talk and laugh about. You can have your own life as well as the one with your best friend in a relationship; that is okay. The thing about this is that your best friend still knows everything about you, but still has room to learn more and more about you because you are both growing independently but also together.

Anyways, my takeaway from all this… and I hope you learned as much as I did these past few weeks: Learn the signs and do not mistake them. Do not look for reassurance as love because that can be mistaken so easily. Watch people’s actions rather than listening to their meaningless words. Stop hooking up and thinking that you are going to find true love from it. Last but not least, engulf more into your own life and fulfill your desires that way you have much more to offer to your significant other.

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A Year Since You

There is a 365 day grace period after a breakup that needs to be filled with you. Your love. Your happiness. Your confidence.

You can learn a lot about a person in 730 days. Their favorite color, what they are passionate about, what makes their eyes light up with happiness, their highs and their lows. But, you learn even more about yourself in the 365 days after them. You learn what makes you happy, what you are passionate about, and what make your eyes light up with joy. My grandmother always said, “You cannot have the mountain tops without the valleys.” Sometimes you need to hit a low, usually starting with day one, before you get to your high.

A year since you and I have learned more about myself than I ever thought was possible. I am no longer the young and naïve Sophomore in high school you fell in love with. Now, I am so much more than that girl you used to know. Starting my freshman year in college, I have accomplished more in my life than imaginable and it is all thanks to you for leaving. For that, I thank you.

A year since you I learned that it is okay to cry…

Let it out. Be hurt. Be sad. Be angry. It is more than okay to have feelings. It is okay to have mascara stained sheets. You are not crazy or obsessive, nor are you lost without him. This is normal and it is to be expected. One day, you will not cry. You will not wake up thinking about him. Hell, one day you will not think about him at all. You might think you forgot how to laugh, give it time. Watch a funny movie with your girlfriends, drink a glass of wine, or a bottle. You will laugh. You will laugh so hard your eyes water and your stomach hurts and you will wonder why you ever thought you would never be happy again.

A year since you and I love myself again…

Not in the way I once did, but in a better, healthier way. I found that I do not have to be perfect to be extraordinary. The things he did not like about me, someone will love. I love that my laugh can be heard from miles away, I love that my socks never match, and I love that my hair is always a mess, even if those are the things he could not stand about me. Stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love. You are a lot of things, great things, being hard to love is not one of them. Once you love yourself, loving someone else does not seem so scary. Stand tall. Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. You are a whirlwind of life and you should never feel less than that. Know your worth, know what you believe in, know your values.

A year since you and I know what real happiness is.

If you would have asked me a year and a half into our relationship what happiness was, I would not have been able to give you any less than a bullshit answer. I would have repeated something that a boy, who took away my happiness, told me about my happiness. Happiness is whatever I want it to be, whether it be a rainy day watching Ferris Beuller and drinking hot chocolate, Friday nights with my closest friend, or a Sunday morning at church. That is the thing about happiness, it is ever-changing. My happiness comes from a rainy day, an 80’s movie, and a good book, and if that seems horrible to you, that is okay! Not a single person gets to decide what should make you happy or not, only you get to decide that. Find what makes you happy, really happy. Do some soul searching, spend some time alone watching a cotton candy sunset or two. Figure out what your hobbies are. Spend some time reading or drawing or writing in a little coffee shop. Most importantly, do not let people be the source of your happiness. 

People come and go, do not also let your happiness come and go with them.

A year since you and I have stopped settling…

“Keep your head, heels, and standards high” reads the note my little sister wrote me that hangs on my desk. Wise words from a thirteen year old who is just starting to realize that lowering your standards ends in heartache and disaster. He is not the only person I will love nor is he the only person who will love me. Whatever you want should be obtainable. It is okay to want a fairy tale. After being in a relationship where I was constantly sacrificing, settling, and compromising I learned you do not have to do that. I want a man to open car doors for me, write me love letters, sing with me on late night drives, understands that my love for God will always come before him, and loves that my love for chocolate milk will not falter. If  I am not getting my needs fulfilled in a relationship, I can leave. That may be a simple idea, that you can just leave, but to me it is everything. I never had that option, and I will never lose that option again. The second you start to settle is the second you let his happiness be more important than your own. Yet he is not thinking the same thing. So put yourself first, it is more than okay.

A year since you and I am strong…

I no longer look for him around town when I know that he is home from college over Thanksgiving break. I no longer cry when our song comes on, in fact I can listen to the entirety of it without wanting to call him. I can park in the spot we were in the last time he told me he loved me in the downtown parking garage. I am none of the awful things he called me. I can stand with my head held high in a room full of people and be okay. Most importantly, I am my own person. I have a name, a story, a life. I am no longer “your girlfriend.” I am more than that. I am accomplishing everything he told me I could not.

A year since you and I have forgiven…

Not only have I forgiven him, but I forgave myself. I have learned in the past 365 days that it was not my fault. I cannot blame myself for his infidelity. There is nothing more I could have done for him to have stayed. I played over the events in that last year trying to find where it went wrong. What was the exact point I failed at being enough for him? The thing is, there was no point. Things do not work out, people make mistakes, in this case the mistake said more about him than it ever will about me. I will admit, this was the hardest lesson to learn. As much as I hated him, I hated myself even more. I was always criticizing and second guessing myself. Once I stopped blaming myself for the downward spiral that was our relationship, I found myself being able to forgive him. It was not easy. It took a lot of courage, prayers, and soul searching. But it happened, I could not tell you when, but one day I heard his name and I no longer felt love or hatred like I once did. Instead, I felt nothing. I let it go. I forgave.

It has been a year since you. 52 weeks since you last said you loved me. 365 days since I hit rock bottom. In this past year I have transformed into the confident, empowering young woman I am today. I learned how to live in a world you were no longer in and it is a beautiful one. I once thought I would love you forever but that is not the case.

The times that I loved you have now passed…

He’s Just a Chapter, Keep Turning

Some times we get stuck in a chapter of our life because we think it’s the end of the book.

One day he walked away and in that fraction of a moment your heart sank to your stomach. You felt vulnerable, lost, confused, and most importantly… broken. Your body was weak, your stomach was empty, your throat had a huge lump, and there was a deep, dark hole where your heart once rested. A huge part of your present and future was now apart of your past, and it wasn’t your choice. The magnitude of physical effects he had on you in that fraction of a moment when he decided to walk away from trying, will forever mark your heart. And it sucks! It sucks so much because all you can do is feel helpless because there was nothing you could have done to stop it. It only takes a split second in time to finally realize something, and from that second on it changes your mindset completely, and it has consequences and effects. When he realized he couldn’t give you what you needed anymore, you were left with the consequences and with the heartbreak. You were broken. He took so much from you that day.

I know, it hurts like freakin’ hell girl. You can hardly breathe and I know because like any normal 20 year old girl…I’ve been there. You had so much planned, you had so much more time that was supposed to be spent with him. But all in a matter of a few seconds, so much had to be taken in, so much had just been broken. He was gone and all you had left from him was a few pairs of boxers, a shirt or two, and maybe a hat of his… oh! And let’s not forget; he also left you with a huge spot in your chest where your heart was that had been broken, sunk, gone, temporarily into millions of pieces. All you could do to even fathom what had just happened was to cry. Just let it all out. Cry to songs on the radio, cry when it’s just you home alone, cry in the shower, cry in the car. Cry because the thing that you knew for so long just left. LET IT ALL OUT. Don’t be afraid of the puffy bloodshot eyes. JUST CRY DAMNIT.

So he probably made you promises in the beginning about how he would let you down easy or how he would never break your beautiful heart. He probably told you he wouldn’t be like those other guys. So since he did exactly what he promised not to do, you have every reason to question everything he has ever said or done to you because now you can no longer trust anything he has to show for. Not only did he make you question everything about your relationship but he made you think your relationship was just a joke, right? Right.

Well since this stupid boy just woke up one day and decided to no longer love you the way you deserve, you were forced to move on so suddenly. NOT FAIR AT ALL! You were completely blind sided by his lack of commitment and now you literally have no other choice but to move on. You cannot just sit there and love him when he couldn’t love you indefinitely. NO! Of course not, you’re not going to just sit there anymore waiting for him to come to his senses. You need to change things, now!

Your best way to get back at him for doing the most evil thing he could possibly do to you, is to get hot.;) Make him wish he’d never left you. You will probably want to do some retail, cosmetic therapy. You will probably dye your hair, get your nails done, or go buy new clothes. It seems silly but it is a  good self-esteem booster and it is a must. You need some therapy in this particular moment whether it be eating loads of ice cream, binge watching Grey’s Anatomy, or changing your appearance drastically. Hey! No one is judging you. He just crumbled every ounce of your being, so why the hell not.

You will probably tell everyone around you that you are doing just fine, in fact the best you’ve been in awhile. You even believe it yourself. Although you kind of feel like the world is crashing in around you and you’re dying a little inside all at the same time, you know that crying about it endlessly will get annoying and old to those around you. Sides, how many times can you tell everyone around you what happened and try to explain it to death looking for a new outcome? Not that many. You know everyone is here for you and wants to help you through this, but you believe that it is better to just not talk about it, to just wallow in it yourself. Sometimes only thinking about things and not sharing is better than everyone knowing how much it hurts. You’re acting tough; you’re a bad bitch made of steel that isn’t hurt easily. Or you’re a total sucker for pain and everyone knows when you’re hurting all too much.

After awhile, you’ve finally accepted that new things are going to come and that the relationship is actually over. Although it kills you to sit back and let this happen because all you really wants is for him to come around, you know you have to move on. You have to let what has happened, be. Gosh, I know. It still hurts so much, and especially now because you’ve realized that it really IS over. All this time you knew damn well that deep down you have been waiting for him to realize what he’s lost, and you’ve just been waiting for those words “I messed up. I don’t want this. I miss you.” But when he did not come around like you expected him to, it actually set in. This is the one real moment of the break up, your feelings are beginning to surface and you begin to miss him. You know too well though, that you should not contact him and let him know how weak you feel right now, because it will pass. You can’t let this beat you up anymore because it was HIS choice. I know how hard it is to want him to realize what he’s lost and for him not to say anything. But you can’t run back. You can’t run back to a boy that ran from you. At this point, you have to be strong enough to walk away.

Now that you have realized that running back to a coward isn’t what you deserve, you should start doing things that make you feel good again. You could start playing sports that you love, start going to the gym, get a new job, pick up more hours, or even pick up on some of the hobbies you forgot you loved. Start to get a grasp of your life again girl. Make yourself happy, for yourself, and not for anyone else.

When you start to find your true self again, you are rebuilding your confidence back slowly from what he tore down. You seem like a new person now, and chances are… you are a completely new person. You’re doing all the things you love to do again. You’re finally to a point that you’re comfortable with. You’re actually happy with this situation and you accept it for what it is. You are a strong woman and you’ve changed for the better. Since that split second that changed all those future plans you had planned with him, you’ve learned to love yourself when he couldn’t. He helped you grow. He was responsible for this. He’s to blame. And now you need to let HIM go and love yourself again.

Remember when I said you feel like your heart was temporarily in millions of pieces? Well, I promise you that some guy, some day is going to mend those pieces back together and show you a whole new kind of love. A real love. This other boy, you know… the one you probably should have already forgot about? 😉 Yeah, he’s just a chapter of your story. But that chapter has ended and the next one is waiting for you! It starts when you turn the page, SO TURN IT!!

Defy the Fear of Rejection

In today’s society the fear of being rejected holds us back from our desires. Defy that.

“Why does it seems like guys don’t like me, like why do they literally approach all of my friends and blow right on by me? Honestly why am I left in the corner feeling like an invisible being?”

As I was newly single, I wanted to go out more. I wanted to get back in the game and meet new guys; needless to say I became a little boy crazy! I finally got the chance to reunite some friendships that I left hanging there for awhile. Which I would like to apologize for, I should not have (untentionally) started hanging with you guys less and less, and I missed you guys so much! I didn’t mean to do that, and I wasn’t even aware it was happening while it was happening. But I’m glad I’ve got you guys in my life again, so thank you!!! FOR EVERYTHING!

Sidenote: GIRLS, DON’T EVER FORGET ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS. HANG WITH THOSE PEOPLE ON A REGULAR WEEKLY BASIS. You’ll completely regret missing out on all of the memories you could’ve been apart of. You’ll have to get back in your friendships and at first it will feel awkward because you feel like you have put them aside for the time being when you were in that relationship.

ANYWHO, I was able to hang with my girls again 24/7. It felt great!! We were out doing little things that seem silly to miss, but oh boy did I miss them! We were going to the bars, going to the gym, vaping? (idk is that even cool anymore?? haha), singing/screaming at the songs that come on the radio, staying out past the sunrise, eating Perkins at 3A.M., laughing at the silliest things that anyone outside my friend group would think was totally pointless… but to me, ALL of these things made my life full again. I finally started to see my confidence and happiness reach its all time high. I FELT GREAT!! Well, as I became more settled with the fact that I was single now and that it would be okay to go ahead and start seeing new people, I realized that I wasn’t even on the market. Lowkey, even got on Tinder *insert eye rolling emoji here*. I hadn’t even really thought about talking to guys like that since I got dumped, I was just doing my own thing, getting crazy with my girls!! I had conversations with guys, but I didn’t think of them anything more than a casual conversation. Well slowly and surely I began talking to new guys like that. I was stepping up my game and starting conversations that were flirty and fun; something more than just casual. There were new guys I hadn’t met, guys I hadn’t seen in awhile, guys, guys, guys! (I know what you’re thinking…slut!! No, just was flirting with whoever I wanted. If I was out doing things with them, then ya! But I wasn’t…just keeping it simple, ya know?). Well as I thought things were about to take off with some potential eye candies, none of these conversations would last longer than a few shorts days, IF they had even lasted that long. Some of those conversations would literally ended within three messages back and forth. How frustrating right? Right. At the exhaustion of wondering why I couldn’t keep a conversation I went back and reread some of the conversations. I wasn’t being weird, I wasn’t being distant, I wasn’t being over-the-top or anything. Actually the conversations were very intriguing and both I and the guys were into it. BUT WHYYYY!??!?! Why would they just stop talking to me, why were they “bored” of me, why were they not continuing to learn more about me? I had so many questions and I was becoming completely frustrated at the fact that they would just stop, mid conversation. WAS I being weird? WAS I being over-the-top? WAS it too much?

Answer: NONE OF THE ABOVE.

So a little background on myself real quick. I am very outgoing, and since I was single… even more so! I have become a super fun, funny, outgoing, outspoken person. Put me in a awkward situation and I will shine through with radiating colors. I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I just wanted to be myself because I was finally finding myself again.

Back to my ramble… Well as I would meet these new guys and talk to them, nothing would take off. Well how frustrating was that? I was SO ready to get out there and grind again (HAHA! Not in the sexual dancing kind of way by the way). I would be sitting at the bar next to some of my girlfriends and I’d spark up a conversation with a guy, and literally later on the question these guys would ask me “So… who’s your friend?” Ouch like eff you, you were talking to me all night. Whatever. I wouldn’t give them attitude though, I would seriously just be super cheerful and cool about it. “OH!! That’s ‘so and so.'”

Well after awhile when these guys would ask me who’s in my snap stories, or who I was with that night, I straight up began to give up. I started acting like a “bro.” I would not even look at these guys like this anymore. I just thought of myself as a bro and that I was not attractive to their species anymore. I was literally the ultimate wingman. Woo freakin’ hoo. 😉 lol.

So as I sat back for a few months over the summer, I began to wonder again.

“Why does it seems like guys don’t like me, like why do they literally approach all of my friends and blow right on by me? Honestly why am I left in the corner feeling like an invisible being?”

Finally, I was liberated when I asked my close friend, who actually didn’t even know how to answer me. She ended up texting a guy for his point of view and here it was:

“The way you carry yourself. Not many women today radiate confidence. In society, self-esteem is really low when you look at the majority of people, especially in girls. That’s why guys will approach girls who they feel are less confident than themselves. Makes the approach easier I guess…”

So there it was, I was radiating a confidence that not many woman show today in society. I wasn’t cocky by any means. I just came off like I was comfortable in my own skin. This was so deceiving though because at the many failed attempts to try and talk to guys, I became less and less confident in myself.

But this is sad. Tell me why is it that someone has to seem less confident to be “approachable.” Because of the simple answer: fear of rejection. We are ALL so scared that someone might reject us that we end up, in turn, unintentionally bringing people’s self esteem down. In the grand scheme of things, that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is… is that we intentionally low-ball ourselves and go for something we know we can have, instead of taking a risk and maybe getting something we’re unsure of.

To me, I’d rather of tried for something I really wanted… then to never know what I could’ve had. So my take home from this, is specifically for you LADIES.

BECOME MORE CONFIDENT. RADIATE YOUR CONFIDENCE. Don’t let going “unnoticed” temporarily get you down permanently. Because I’ll let you in on a secret ladies, MEN will want the woman that radiates the room over the girl that is less confident in herself sitting in the corner. Don’t be afraid to start the conversation. Don’t be afraid to be the ice breaker. Don’t be afraid to show yourself to the world and radiate that confidence. A confident woman is sexy; a hell of a lot sexier than a woman with insecurities.

God Gave Me You, Only For Good Reason 

Appreciate the things he has permanently given you, rather than hating him for the things he temporarily put you through.

Believe me, there are so many things I could throw in my ex’s face. I mean come on, who hasn’t gone through that petty stage of “hating” your ex for all of the “terrible” things they have done? Right? Almost everyone. Instead, I’m going to look at it from another perspective here– in the way that you see them after that “hate” stage. This is where you begin to see the good in the person and the relationship that you once had and appreciate it. I’ll admit though, this even took me months!! But I’m here now, months later, appreciating everything that was brought out in me after our relationship. Although we all hate to admit that we appreciate what our ex has brought out in us, we all do. We all appreciate the relationship later on. We realize (YES, I’m going to say it!!!!) everything DOES happen for a reason and we trust in God that he has placed us where we need to be, when we need to be there, but only for good reason. God places us specifically to build us and show us our life paths.

Evolving into a completely different person after a breakup is actually normal and you see it with almost everyone. Some people lash out and go find someone right away to fill that void and some people drink all the time; or both. 😉  OR if you’re me… you work over 80 hours a week and make literally no time for anyone so you don’t even have to think about it. By the way, staying busy after a break up helps tremendously. I’m not saying push the feelings aside completely, but definitely stay busy enough to keep your mind off of things. It helps, but don’t forget to feel your feelings, they’re important too. Everyone heals differently though, so trust in your feelings and go with the flow.

Anyways, this isn’t going to be an advice column about how to deal with a breakup; I can tackle that topic at a later date. This is going to be my gratitude to the man that broke my heart, so contradictory right? Like why would I actually give thanks to someone who broke my heart? Well, here’s why.

He changed me from an immature, insecure little girl into a matured, beautifully blossomed woman. If this man never broke my heart, I don’t know where I would be right now. All I know is, I would not have found incredible strength, I would still be trying to figure my life out, I wouldn’t know my passions, I wouldn’t know the things I don’t want in my next relationship, I wouldn’t have become such an independent woman. If not for him, I would not have found the things I love again. I would be questioning everything I am and everything that I do. I would not even know what makes me happy anymore. I would have actually been more miserable thinking I was “in love” with a guy who could not give me the world–which I damn well deserved.

He made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world even without make up on; which has been such a huge insecurity of mine for as long as I can remember. But somehow he was able to destroy all of my insecurities thinking I was not pretty enough for any guys. For any girl, this is super important because as girls we are always going to have certain insecurities. If you can make a girl forget her insecurities and feel like those insecurities are cute, unique, or beautiful… you are winning!!

Girls are super confusing!! I’m not the first to notice that and as a girl I feel like at times we are hard to love and easy to give up on because our emotions get the best of us. But sometimes we can’t help but overcompensate to try and fix the situation. We do it because we love you. I know that being with me, especially, is not always a walk through the park. I can be clingy, too distant, emotional, frustrated, standoffish, and too lovey at times. But I know my worth, so when I feel as though I am treated less than that, chances are I will act out in order to gain control of my emotions. Even when I acted out and got emotional, somehow my ex did not make me feel hard to love at all, he gave me so much love, so much care, so much attention and that was what I needed to help gain that control over my emotions.  He could have easily become frustrated with my emotions and booked it for the door, but he stuck through it all and continued to love me. So a little advice for you men that can’t handle us crazy girls at times, just breathe and love us. Pull us in and kiss on the forehead until everything is better.

Thank God for his unconditional love and making me feel special. He gave me something no one else could, and that was a real honest to God, good relationship. He might think opposite of that–that we fought a lot, and that it was bad, but I know that if he’s ever in another relationship after me, he will notice how much fighting plays a part in a healthy relationship. Eventually he will realize that we only fought because we truly cared for one another. Fighting is healthy for a relationship, it’s not always simple. Obviously too much fighting is toxic and sometimes enough is enough. But anyways, I know for a fact that if we had not grown together like we did, I would not be as strong as I am now. I have become this amazing, hard-working, well-rounded woman, and he’s partly to blame–in a good way though. He gave me what I needed and deserved at the time, and it was everything I ever prayed to God for. I’m so happy God gave me him when he did, because it was for good reason. Everyone comes into your life for a particular reason, and his reason was to help me grow and show me what kind of relationship I want and deserve. Even though we may not have been made for each other, we were made to help each other grow. I’m so thankful for that. Every relationship may not end how you expect, but you take a lot from it; mostly experience and strength for the next. God always has a plan to help us grow, so trust in that plan and push through the tough times.

Because of him, I will know how to love again. Because of him, I will be okay because of the strength I’ve endured. Because of him, I know now that giving your entire heart to someone entirely new will be okay. I will be okay.

So to the guy that broke my heart, I thank you.